Monumental! Pickled Priest Creates a Musical Mount Rushmore for Every State in America

Our panelists

Let's start some arguments! Other than determining each state's four most important or representative musicians, the main goal for this project when it was hatched a couple months ago was to spur debate. What seemed like a good idea at the time has turned into a labor, not of love, but of something else entirely. Here, finally, is the end result. Every United State and Washington D.C. now has their own musical Mt. Rushmore!

As we considered our choices, one thing became painfully clear: Not all states are created equal. While many of these "roadside attractions" would be swarming with people, most would draw the minimum amount of foot traffic. Others would never be created at all, voted down in the state's general assembly before they even got off the ground. Which ones are truly worth the effort? Pickled Priest tries to figure that out.

PROJECT RULES

1. No jazz artists. That's another project and we didn't want to work that hard.

2. Each mountain, in keeping with the original Mt. Rushmore concept, is limited to four individual faces. All the members of a band don't count as one face, so only one band member can represent the entire group (unless space allows for more).

3. Assign artists, whenever possible, to the state that best fits into the narrative of their life and career. All situations are different, so we'll explain our rationale as we go. After that, you can blow your stack and argue for your own choices as you please over a pint at the local pub. That's the fun part.

4. There is no restriction on putting the same artist on multiple mountains if a case can be made for it.

5. Put personal biases aside whenever possible. (Ed.— We were not always successful on this one.)

6. Beefs with any selections can be litigated via email (pickledpriest@gmail.com). If you make a good case, point out an error of omission (we know we've forgotten someone) we may update this post accordingly.

7. For fun, we've also graded the quality of each attraction based on the need for it, its cultural value, and potential drawing power.

PICKLED PRIEST'S MUSICAL

MOUNT RUSHMORE FOR EVERY STATE

ALABAMA

Hank Williams

Big Mama Thornton

Wilson Pickett

Lionel Richie

There'll be time enough for modern artists when their time is done, but for now Alabama belongs to four legendary figures who have already made a substantial impact on music history. There are so many viable choices from Alabama so this is a partial-win situation. Only Hank Williams is an outright no-brainer. As one of country music's most towering, influential, and inebriated figures, a mountain view suits him perfectly (although chiseling his cowboy hat into stone is going to be a major challenge). From there, we've snagged Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Big Mama Thornton for being such an influence on early rock & roll (her original version of "Hound Dog" is definitive in my opinion). As you would expect, tons of soul artists originated from Mississippi, but Wilson Pickett was wicked long before being wicked was cool, turning soul into a sweaty, nasty affair in the process. Lionel Richie's tenure with the Commodores and his wildly successful solo career makes him truly a solid fourth choice.

Attraction Grade: B+

ALASKA

Jewel

John Gourley (of Portugal.The Man)

Brock Lindow (of 36 Crazy Fists)

Hobo Jim

As you might expect, slim pickings from Alaska. There are a decent amount of artists with 'local hero' status to pick from, so with no other choice I rounded out my selections with a couple of them: Brock Lindow of metalcore band 36 Crazy Fists and Hobo Jim, Alaska's "official balladeer" (and I don't imagine there was much competition for the title). I haven't heard any of their music, trusting only in their status in the local culture. John Gourley is a valid selection considering Portugal. The Man's impressive catalog. He hailed from Alaska before the band officially formed in Portland in 2004, so Alaska, out of desperation, we'll give him to you. And, finally...I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for Jewel! She single-handedly saves the day by being a recognizable name and face not requiring any explanation! True, she was born in Utah, but she spent some of her formative years in the US equivalent of the Great White North. She eventually left Alaska to live in her car in L.A., so not exactly a Chamber of Commerce bragging point there.

Attraction Grade: F

ARIZONA

Linda Ronstadt

Stevie Nicks

Alice Cooper

Curt Kirkwood (of Meat Puppets)

Linda Ronstadt's family would've had a rich, respected history in the state of Arizona even if they didn't birth one of the sexiest young female singers of the 1970s. Since I am in charge of the project, I paid a little extra to the sculptor to render her in the Boy Scout uniform she sported on tour back in the 70s. I must admit that I've never thought of Stevie Nicks as coming from any specific place or time—didn't she just materialize out of thin air after a wizard cast a magic spell or something? Well, hate to burst your bubble, but she's from boring old Arizona—a disappointing revelation to say the least. She will look good on an Arizona mountain, however. Added bonus: no chance of a landslide in Arizona's arid climate. Next, we move on to Alice Cooper (aka Vincent Furnier), a guy who can rightfully be claimed by both Michigan (born in Detroit) or Arizona (he went to Cortez High School in Phoenix, whose nickname is the Colts, but should be the Killers if you ask me). But did the Godfather of Shock Rock have to take up golf while her was there? It kinda ruins the image for me. Well, with a stacked music scene in Michigan, he didn't make the first cut there, so Arizona, he's all yours! Duane Eddy probably deserves the final spot, but I feel inclined to include some alternative rock and roll here, so Curt Kirkwood of Meat Puppets gets the nod—a decision Kurt Cobain would surely have supported. Since we only put individuals on the mountain, it is a bit unfair to his brother Cris, but rules are rules.

Attraction Grade: B

ARKANSAS

Johnny Cash

Al Green

Glen Campbell

Levon Helm (of The Band)

Some of our Mt. Rushmore selections have been a struggle, but some seem pre-sculpted by history. Arkansas gave us the Man in Black, Johnny Cash, the Rev. Al Green, legendary singer/songwriter Glen Campbell, and the Band's Levon Helm. No alternates required—maybe an apology card to the estate of Conway Twitty—but that'll be easy to dash off and post. Now this is an attraction I'd legitimately want to visit someday.

Attraction Grade: A+

CALIFORNIA

Brian Wilson

John Fogerty

Jerry Garcia

Jackson Browne

Many artists end up in California—it's where musicians and actors go to pursue their dreams. Fewer are born and raised there, but it has still been a major chore to narrow down our mountain to four faces. In the end, I went with those with the longest, richest history. The Beach Boys are the quintessential California band around the world—the undisputed embodiment of the state's laid-back image. "California Girls" is surely the best advertisement of all-time for the state's tourist industry. Brian Wilson was the mastermind behind it all, even if he preferred to stay in the studio. Well, he can't hide anymore—he's front and center for all-time now.

From there, things get a bit more challenging, especially when you have so many artists and genres to pick from. In the end, I determined that West Coast Rap deserves its very own mountain (Snoop, Kendrick, Dre, Cube). Next up then, one of America's finest bands ever, CCR, gets represented by John Fogerty, even though his band seemed more likely to hunt alligators in the bayou than lounge on the dock of the San Francisco Bay. Next, we take a train North to San Francisco (high on cocaine, does it even have to be clarified?) to pick up Jerry Garcia. If anyone deserves to be stoned on a mountain, it's him. When our buzz mellows, we'll head back to L.A. to snap up Jackson Browne, the physical manifestation of California's "Take it Easy" lifestyle. He's also an environmentalist, so he can watch over our monument's pristine surroundings from his mountainside perch.

Attraction Grade: A+

COLORADO

John Denver

Philip Bailey (of Earth, Wind and Fire)

Nathaniel Rateliff

Wesley Schultz (of the Lumineers)

John Denver was a military kid born in New Mexico and then spent chunks of his ensuing years following his dad around to Arizona, Alabama, and Texas, finally moving out to California by himself, so it's not easy to tie him to a specific state using the usual methods (birthplace, formative years, etc.). For Denver, home was where the heart was, and his adopted last name (smartly changed from Deutschendorf) tells you everything you need to know about his spiritual home. His songs only furthered that geographical connection. So Colorado, his home from 1971 until his premature death in 1997, is his proper resting place. There is no other musician who bleeds Colorado quite like John Denver, so he's the easiest selection for a Rocky Mountain High Rushmore, which we shall call it from this day forth. As far as I'm concerned, the more members of Earth, Wind & Fire we can get on a mountainside the better, so Philip Bailey is a no-brainer. The band's name is a tribute to the natural world, so a mountain tribute seems more than appropriate. From there, things are not so cut and dry. Lots of people now claim Colorado home, but few are from there. Same with bands. Nathaniel Rateliff was born in St. Louis, but found his musical soul in Denver. Same with the members of the Lumineers (whose lead singer, Wesley Schultz, reps them here), who hailed from NY/NJ originally. Today, both are considered Colorado bands, so this is what you get when you're a state with a lot of curious transients. Perhaps we just erect a John Denver statue and call it a day.

Attraction Grade: C+

CONNECTICUT

Karen Carpenter (of The Carpenters)

Liz Phair

Thurston Moore (of Sonic Youth)

Jeff Porcaro (of Toto)

Give the drummers some! Both Karen Carpenter and legendary Toto drummer Jeff Porcaro (#37 on Rolling Stone magazine's 100 Best Drummers list) make the cut. Jeff deserves the shout out and his placement here isn't just to anger John Mayer fans. I wouldn't do that, I just wouldn't. (Wink) The legends of alternative rock deserve memorialization, too, and Connecticut is the perfect place to do it. So we get Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore and Liz Phair (born in New Haven) as well. Liz is more associated with Illinois, but she ain't getting on that mountain any time soon, so why not celebrate her birthplace?

Attraction Grade: C+

DELAWARE 

George Thorogood

Tom Verlaine (of Television)

Bob Marley

Loudon Wainwright III

Nobody has represented Delaware better than George Thorogood, who originally named his backing band the Delaware Destroyers (and never should've changed it). His place in local history makes him a no-brainer. Tom Verlaine is most associated with New York's CBGB scene in the late-70s, but the boy actually hails from Connecticut, so he also gets marquee (moon) billing on our mountain. Loudon Wainwright III was a top-tier folkie in his time, even netting a "New Dylan" tag (along with many others) back in his prime. I'm pleased to sneak him in. Added bonus: He gave us Rufus, so he gets extra credit. As for Bob Marley? We all know Connecticut's reputation as the Jamaica of United States, so his inclusion seems appropriate. A stretch, I know, but Marley did live in Delaware for a decade or so, even working at the local Chrysler plant for a stint. That's enough of a loophole for us! Plus, they even named One Love Park in his honor to celebrate his tenure there. Don't ask any questions and just move on.

Attraction Grade: C+

FLORIDA

Ray Charles

Tom Petty

Duane Allman

Ronnie Van Zant

Ray Charles is such an important figure in musical history he merits the rare double-Mt. Rushmore. He was born in George (which was on his mind throughout his career) and raised in Florida. So why choose? Both places have every right to celebrate his genius. If he even stopped for a cup of coffee in a town, they should erect at least a statue to commemorate the event. The same split-state concept applies to the Allman Brothers Band. The Allmans were raised in Florida, but the band eventually set up their home base in Macon, Georgia, and named an album Eat a Peach, which only solidified their Georgia ties. Will there be room for them in both places? Stay tuned to find out. So which Allman gets on the mountain? That's the dilemma. Duane, the heart of the band who died young or Gregg who played with the boys until his passing decades later? In tribute, I've chosen Duane Allman to represent. He was the eldest, after all and I'm willing to bet Gregg would be fine with it. Gainesville's very own Tom Petty is another easy selection, even in a state with some p(r)etty good options. Finally, we chisel Ronnie Van Zant into the mountain. Despite coming from a band that wrote "Sweet Home Alabama," these dudes originated in Florida, dominating the rock scene in Jacksonville for years. Again, other states may have been critical to their development, but Florida gets to claim him forever.

Attraction Grade: A+

GEORGIA

Ray Charles

James Brown

Otis Redding

Little Richard

Ray Charles is fairly identified with Georgia thanks to "Georgia On My Mind" and he was born there before leaving for Florida, so he gets his second Mt. Rushmore appearance. I doubt I'll get any pushback. James Brown was born in South Carolina, but moved to Georgia as a very young boy. So, again, both states are allowed to pay tribute. Otis Redding, the King of Soul, is another automatic, but he was a homegrown Macon boy. I did try to wedge Michael Stipe in somewhere, but I simply couldn't leave Little Richard out. At some point we'll celebrate Georgia's college rock community in Athens, but not today. Too much history to wade through first.

Attraction Grade: A+

HAWAII

Bruno Mars

Jack Johnson

Don Ho

Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Hawaii is a state of mind. Hence, you need some local flavor represented. Don Ho is Hawaii in a nutshell. A five-letter legend synonymous with the state's musical history. Israel Kamakawiwo'le is the more modern equivalent. When I see a rainbow, he immediately pops to mind. Bruno Mars, the most musically talented artist of all time from the state, reps the next generation and should be a reliable draw. Jack Johnson—cargo shorts!—makes it as well. I'm not a big fan, but his style of music is a perfect fit for the locale.

Attraction Grade: B

IDAHO

Doug Martsch (of Built to Spill)

Trevor Powers (of Youth Lagoon)

Josh Ritter

La Monte Young

With the exception of a very specific demographic, most people, if they stumbled upon this roadside attraction, would wonder who the fuck these people are on the mountainside. While each person here has their own cult audience, most would agree that chiseling them in stone might not be merited. Built to Spill was, and still is, one of the best bands of the alternative explosion in the 90s thanks to the genius of Doug Martsch. He looks more like a character from Breaking Bad than a rock star, but that's his charm. Yes, it's a bit soon to pay tribute to Trevor Powers, but so it goes in the barren potato fields of Idaho. Josh Ritter, great songwriter that he is, is also a cult concern, beloved by his following but not a household name. Lou Reed would surely appreciate the inclusion of experimental music legend La Monte Young, but 99.9% of the rest of America will be staring at his image wondering is Santa Claus was actually born and raised in Idaho. An assortment of strange potatoes to be sure, but for the right audience, this could be a boutique amusement. Maybe we can scale it down to the size of a roadside billboard.

Attraction Grade: C-

ILLINOIS

Sam Cooke

John Prine

Buddy Guy

Mavis Staples

Hear me out, because this was a much tougher, and way more nuanced, assignment than even I, a lifelong Chicagoan, anticipated. Many legendary musicians who were born and raised elsewhere cut their teeth and found fame in Chicago. That's where the money was at the time. For that reason, I've assigned most of the legendary blues musicians dotting Chicago's past to their original homes—the Delta, in most cases—as a result. I did make an exception for Buddy Guy because he's a local legend. His long-running Chicago blues club is even called Legends to make that clear. He, too, originated in the deep South, but to this day he is the king of the Chicago blues scene. Exception granted. The rest have similarly strong ties to the city of Chicago or its suburbs.* Folk legend John Prine grew up in Maywood, a near suburb, where he famously made money as a postman before being "discovered." Mavis Staples is a lifetime resident and what would Chicago's music community be without her? She's quite simply an institution here (everywhere, as well) and her triumphant resurgence in her later years has given her the love and appreciation she so richly deserves. Sam Cooke moved here as a very young boy, so his connection to Chicago is also rock solid, too. And with that, we're already out of space.

*Yes, Chicago dominates the state's musical history, but we realize that's not all dreary Illinois has to offer. Rockford gave us Cheap Trick, Champaign gave us REO Speedwagon, Southern Illinois gave us Alison Krauss (Decatur/Champaign) and Uncle Tupelo (Belleville). And that's just a tiny sample.

Attraction Grade: A+

INDIANA

Michael Jackson

John Mellencamp

John Hiatt

David Lee Roth

Did a giant elephant just walk into the room? I knew this decision was coming and I put it off until the last minute. If there is a wrench to be thrown into the works of this fun little project, this is it. Personally, I have trouble listening to Michael Jackson's music without thinking of his "alleged" dalliances with young boys, which hasn't been "officially" proven at this point, but it is pretty much accepted as fact by all but the most delusional. I guess the beauty of this project is that none of these mountain attractions will actually be built, so this decision isn't critical. Without a doubt, the Gary native's musical genius is not in dispute, so I've included him against my initial inclination to put Janet in his spot instead (I have a 'One Jackson' limit today). Perhaps we can limit admission to the park to only people 18 and older: problem solved! On the other hand, nobody will dispute John Mellencamp's spot. He's as Indiana as Indiana gets, a guy who has nothing against the big towns and openly celebrates the small towns. If that isn't what Indiana is all about, nothing is. I've also arranged for the sculptor to leave a small hole between his lips where we plan to insert a giant lit cigarette puffing 24 hours a day like an eternal flame. It's worth the expense. John Hiatt is another Indiana product through-and-through— one of our finest and most underrated songwriters. He finally gets his just due. It's hard to reconcile that David Lee Roth was also from Indiana—he seems like a California dune buggy playboy born and bred, not a hoosier from Bloomington, so the final spot goes to him. I think he really spices up the joint. Axl Rose, another Indianamoly (new word) will have to wait for another day. He ain't gettin' on my mountain any time soon.

Attraction Grade: A or F depending on your perspective

IOWA

Don Everly

Phil Everly

William Elliott Whitmore

Arthur Russell

Ain't no mountain high enough...You'd think Iowa, the heart of America's farming belt, could grow a few more great musicians, but in reality it's slim pickings in the Hawkeye State, especially when is comes to modern music. The Everly Brothers, born in Kentucky, went to high school there. In Iowa, that'll have to do. Se let's put both Don and Phil Everly up there to fill some space. And let's add Arthur Russell to please all the record clerks in Iowa who know he came from there. I think he's deserving and even adds a little coolness quotient to the affair. I know Slipknot is the state's most successful export, but I can't go there just yet. Instead, with my fourth pick in the Iowa Mt. Rushmore Draft, l select Lee County's William Elliott Whitmore. He's more Iowa than all of these artists put together. He has the look and he has the sound. In total this attraction is no Stage of Dreams, that's for sure. If you build it, nobody will come.

Attraction Grade: D+

KANSAS

Joe Walsh

Kerry Livgren (of Kansas)

Janelle Monae

Melissa Etheridge

I so wanted to include Bill Goffrier of The Embarrassment, but we'd need a full-time tour guide to explain the importance of him and his band and we cannot afford that right now. Joe Walsh was an easy pick. Major artist, member of the Eagles, good solo career, all around whack-job. He was born to live life the "Rocky Mountain Way" so his presence is a natural (attraction). It would be a sin if the band Kansas wasn't represented on the Kansas Mt. Rushmore, so founder, songwriter, and singer Kerry Livgren is the logical choice. Melissa Etheridge found fame late, but she's a household name and deserves the credit for being a groundbreaking rock star and electrifying live performer. Janelle Monae is similar, but with a sound far from anything you'd expect from such a conservative state. She's the living embodiment of the phrase, 'We're not in Kansas anymore.'

Attraction Grade: C+

KENTUCKY

Loretta Lynn

Bill Monroe

Dwight Yoakam

Chris Stapleton

Kentucky and Loretta Lynn go hand-in-hand. That's all you have to say. Bill Monroe has the same status among bluegrass fans. Dwight Yoakam brought us a whole new approach to the local sounds. Three pretty easy choices. Lately, however, Kentucky has been home to some of the most respected new artists in country music and Chris Stapleton already has enough accolades to guarantee his longevity in the minds of fans everywhere. He seems like he's been around for thirty years already, doesn't he? That's how quick his imprint has formed and hardened. So why not make it official?

Attraction Grade: B+

LOUISIANA

Dr. John

Fats Domino

Irma Thomas

Aaron Neville

We tried to fit Britney in (complete with machete), but she just wouldn't fit. Louisiana is another one of those states that has such an amazing heritage it deserves two or three mountainsides to fit everyone. I mean, no Allen Toussaint, no Mahalia Jackson, no Lucinda Williams, no Jerry Lee Lewis, no Clifton Chenier, I could go on. Smartly, we eliminated jazz from contention or Louis Armstrong et al would be need to be here. His name is on everything else in New Orleans already, so I'm sure he'd understand the tightened scope of our mountain. What we do have are artists synonymous with the region: the great gris gris king Dr John, the Queen of New Orleans Soul, Irma Thomas, the joyful boogie woogie genius of Fats Domino, and what would New Orleans be without a rep from the Neville Brothers? Aaron Neville, take your spot.

Attraction Grade: A+

MAINE

Patty Griffin

Juliana Hatfield

Ray LaMontagne

Aly Spaltro (of Lady Lamb)

This is actually a surprisingly strong crop of talent. Patty Griffin is one of America's finest Americana songwriters. Ray LaMontagne is a multi-faceted, unpredictable talent (who I underestimated when he initially came on the scene). Juliana Hatfield a solid B+ indie-rocker with a long career under her belt. Aly Spaltro a fine young talent who records as Lady Lamb (née Lady Lamb the Beekeeper) who I rank with the great underappreciated artists of the 21st century. Good job, Maine!

Attraction Grade: C

MARYLAND

Frank Zappa

Tori Amos

Toni Braxton

Mama Cass Elliot

This looks like a selfie taken at an afterparty somewhere on the space/time continuum. Would Tori Amos, Mama Cass, Frank Zappa, and Toni Braxton hit it off in some alternate reality? We'll never know, but the first occurrence of that thought wouldn't have come to fruition without this exercise.

Attraction Grade: B-

MASSACHUSETTS

Steven Tyler (of Aerosmith)

Frank Black (of Pixies)

Ric Ocasek (of The Cars)

Donna Summer

Sadly, I couldn't fit in someone from the band Boston (Tom Scholz would've been the choice). If the band put out more than one classic record, perhaps. Steven Tyler gets the first spot with apologies to Joe Perry, even with the complexity of carving a long scarf in solid rock. Alt-rock legend Frank Black (aka Black Francis) has to be included on our mountain, but when will the Hall of Fame finally let his highly influential band in their front doors? (Not that I care, but if we're going to have the goddamned thing, let's get it right.) The Cars are one of the state's most commercially and artistically enduring exports, too, so Ric Ocasek is a must. And, for some soulful flavor, I'm feeling love for disco queen Donna Summer. She worked had for her spot. So hard for it, honey.

Attraction Grade: A

MICHIGAN

Aretha Franklin

Bob Seger

Stevie Wonder

Madonna

Michigan was thee hardest Mt. Rushmore to create. The list of amazing artists that didn't make the final four is staggering and unforgivable. Motown's packed stable of local talent alone could've populated three or four mountains worth of music legends. Only one made the final cut! Then there's punk (MC5, The Stooges), rap (Eminem, J Dilla), funk (George Clinton), and modern rock (The White Stripes). None of them made the cut. If you must know, here's what went down during a long, dark night of the soul after Michigan came up on the agenda. Aretha Franklin, the greatest singer of all-time—indisputable! Stevie Wonder, perhaps the most naturally gifted artist anywhere (not just at Motown or from Michigan), was chosen to represent "The Sound of Young America." So far, this is a piece of cake! Then it got heated. In the end, I pulled a Jann Wenner Rock and Roll Hall of Fame board meeting power move and demanded Bob Seger get the next spot. When I think of Michigan rock & roll, I think of Bob Seger, the quintessential Midwestern rocker, and his Silver Bullet Band was mostly sourced from various Michigan cities. For a more contemporary and culturally expansive view, we added one of the most innovative and celebrated artists of her generation and for all history, Madonna. You try to keep her outta the discussion. It can't be done. We found that out the hard way.

Attraction Grade: A+

MINNESOTA

Prince

Bob Dylan

Paul Westerberg (The Replacements)

Bob Mould (Hüsker Dü)

Just what I needed! Minnesota was the easiest mountain in the whole bunch. Bob Dylan and Prince. No-brainers both. After that, the legendary leaders of two of the greatest bands of their era. Bob Mould of Hüsker Dü and Paul Westerberg of The Replacements—both Pickled Priest deities. End of story. I do feel bad that I couldn't squeeze Grant Hart in somehow, but that's how it goes. Bob had Sugar and the better solo career, so he's the obvious choice. A perfect attraction doesn't come along every day, so cherish it. I suggest they get started on it forthwith. Maybe they can hire some undocumented sculptors to work on it. No ICE, please!

Attraction Grade: A+

MISSISSIPPI

Elvis Presley

Howlin' Wolf

Muddy Waters

B.B. King

Another blockbuster attraction! That makes four in a row! Elvis Presley is the biggest musical attraction in history, so the fact he was born in Tupelo ensures the mountain will stay solvent forever. He's tourist gold. With that easy decision out of the way, we turn to the blues, the genre that birthed Elvis in the first place. Mississippi is the real home of the blues and the talent pool in the Delta is almost overwhelming. You know you're in good shape when Robert Johnson and John Lee Hooker don't even make the cut. Instead, three blues gods adorn this mountain: Muddy Waters, Howlin' Wolf, and B.B. King. They may have ended up in Chicago, but this is where they all started.

Attraction Grade: A+

MISSOURI

Chuck Berry

Steve Cropper

Michael McDonald

Tina Turner

Chuck Berry's name is a synonym for rock and roll—check. Steve Cropper (of Booker T. & MGs) was one of the most influential guitarists ever and a great songwriter, too ("Sittin' On The Dock of the Bay" alone justifies that statement). Michael McDonald's soulful voice ushered the Doobie Brothers toward superstardom. And Tina Turner, the Queen of Rock & Roll, while born in Nutbush, Tennessee, made her name in St. Louis. And no, we weren't tempted to slip Chappell Roan into the mix somehow. We don't pander.

Attraction Grade: B+

MONTANA

Colin Meloy (of the Decemberists)

Isaac Brock (of Modest Mouse)

Steve Albini (of Big Black and Shellac)

Jeff Ament (of Pearl Jam)

Oddly, I think of a completely different state when each of these artists are mentioned. That's not a good thing for Montana. They do all have ties to the state and that has to be good enough. I'm sure Steve Albini would've hated being included, so I did it anyway. Colin Meloy and Isaac "Radar O'Reilly" Brock spent some of their youth here. So did Jeff Ament of Pearl Jam. How cool. Don't hold your breath waiting for this one to take shape.

Attraction Grade: D-

NEBRASKA

Conor Oberst (of Bright Eyes) 

Buddy Miles

Matthew Sweet

Randy Meisner (of The Eagles)

Conor Oberst is Nebraska for me. Other than Springsteen's album of the same name, he's generally what I think of when the state is mentioned in a musical context. Drummer Buddy Miles gets in thanks to his affiliation with Jimi Hendrix and his presence on many notable recordings from his era. Matthew Sweet simply had a power-pop songwriting gift. Undervalued everywhere else, properly valued here. A member of the Eagles grew up in Nebraska? Who knew? Randy Meisner is now one of two Eagles to make a state's Mt. Rushmore and neither of them are named Frey or Henley. Interesting. What this goes to show is that it ain't hard to stand out in flat-as-a-pancake state like Nebraska.

Attraction Grade: C-

NEVADA

Brandon Flowers (of The Killers)

Dan Reynolds (of Imagine Dragons)

Brendon Urie (of Panic! At the Disco)

Ne-Yo

Average age of attendees at this attraction: 13. Take out Ne-Yo and that average drops to 11. The Killers have had plenty of commercial success and Brandon Flowers is a strong frontman, but let's face it, this is a favorite band of people who don't want to do the work too hard to find the truly good bands out there. Brandon and Brendon (can will kill this name already?) have made a huge name for themselves within their demographic and that's good enough for a mountain view in Nevada. It doesn't mean we have to like it.

Attraction Grade: D-

NEW HAMPSHIRE

Jon Spencer

GG Allin

Dorothy "Dot" Wiggin (of The Shaggs)

Ronnie James Dio

We finally get to my favorite attraction in the entire list! A unpredictable achievement by the cozy, adorable state of New Hampshire! Sometimes a lack of major talents can pay off and this one does four times over. Jon Spencer of the Blues Explosion starts us off. A punk and soul lifer. Every five minutes we'll pipe in a "Blues Explosion!" yelp from the loud speakers in tribute to his onstage carnival barker persona. And let's give some love to the metalheads ad give Ronnie James Dio a nod. What a power voice! We remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Next, I've saved a spot for the ultra-controversial, excrement-smearing "punk" "singer" G.G. Allin, a guy legendary for almost everything but his music. He's one of the most vile performers in rock history, so that needs to be celebrated. I mean, the state's motto is "Live Free or Die" and he did both! That has to merit a sculpture somewhere, so why not on one of the famed white mountains of New Hampshire? To wrap up this clusterfuck, we tap into sweet little Dorothy "Dot" Wiggins, lead singer and guitarist of the Shaggs, a group of teen girls famous for being endearingly untalented. In time, thanks to nerdy record collectors and pretentious critics, they became legendary in their own right. Rock and roll is for everybody, of course, and New Hampshire's new prized attraction is testament to that principle.

Note: Yes, I know there were better choices, but I was thinking about ticket sales mainly and I think this mountain has some novelty value to it for the same reason a bad car accident draws gapers.

Attraction Grade: A+

NEW JERSEY

Bruce Springsteen

Whitney Houston

Frankie Valli

Paul Simon

Few artists are more linked to the state from which they came as Bruce Springsteen, the ultimate ambassador from the Garden State. He's done more for the state than any other musician...times ten. Although Frankie Valli of the Four Seasons might have something to say about that. I mean the hit Broadway musical, Jersey Boys, was about the rise of his band, the Four Seasons, so he has a point. Paul Simon was born in Newark, so he's being honored here even though he feels more like New Yorker to me, but that mountain is harder to get into than Studio 54 in the late-70s. Locals will hate this statement, but the whole area kinda blends together in my mind, so consider this crossover approach a minor loophole at most. Whitney Houston gets the last spot because I cannot with a clean conscience give it to Jon Bon Jovi. It's for my own mental and physical health more than anything. You don't want my goiter to spasm and my sphincter to explode, do you? I know I'm supposed to be unbiased, but I just can't. Plus, you try to sculpt metal hair out of stone. It can't be done!

Editor's Note: If you're wondering why there's no Sinatra presence, I simply put him in another class of popular music so he's not eligible for this project.

Attraction Grade: A-

NEW MEXICO

John Denver

Glen Campbell

James Mercer (of The Shins)

Al Hurricane

Not much to work with here. John Denver was born here, so he's in (for the second time on this list!). Glen Campbell made his name here, so he's in (for the second time on this list!). James Mercer of the Shins had his life changed here and so did Al Hurricane, apparently a local legend of some renown. He gets a spot based on his eyepatch alone, which adds a cool vibe to the picture. Overall, nothing to get too excited about. Maybe we should use the space for the cast of Breaking Bad instead (Walter, Jesse, Saul, and Gus, perhaps?).

Attraction Grade: D-

NEW YORK

Billy Joel

Jay-Z

Joey Ramone (of The Ramones)

Lou Reed

This entry should be subtitled "How to piss off twenty million New Yorkers without really trying." This a no-win situation, so put yourself in my shoes. So many artists can lay claim to a spot on this mountain, so the best I can do is provide my rationale for each. Maybe I should've done this by borough instead in retrospect.

Billy Joel: Maligned unfairly by some, his songs come directly from the streets of New York, Long Island to be specific, and he has the attitude of a New Yorker, too. Plus, his 100 show residency at Madison Square Garden is legendary, with New Yorkers singing along with every song like they're at a crowded piano bar on a Saturday night. Complain if you want, but he stays. New York loves him and so do I.

Jay-Z: New York hip-hop alone would be impossible to narrow down to four faces, but I felt one spot must be allocated to the genre the city invented. He "made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can", so he's my choice. Plus, he wrote the modern version of "New York, New York" with "Empire State of Mind" which only cements my rationale. I'd revise the blueprints (shown above) to add a Yankee cap, of course. It's only fitting.

Joey Ramone: CBGB punk had to be a part of the mountain and these Queens degenerates ooze the streetwise grit of the city, a true story that sounds like a "rags to riches" movie screenplay. Few bands embody New York City like the Ramones. Joey, as lead singer, represents. None of the original members are still alive, so a least they can't fight about it.

Lou Reed: The King of New York. Nuff said.

Attraction Grade: A-

Meanwhile, across town, another attraction emerges. Every night at 9:30pm EST, Gene's sculpture spits blood. At 10:30, breathes fire. Side-Attraction Grade: A+

NORTH CAROLINA

Nina Simone

Ben E. King

Randy Travis

James Taylor

Randy Travis was classic country music in the 80s. Ben E. King was one of the early voices of soul music's golden age both solo and with the Drifters. James Taylor's "Carolina on My Mind" should be the new state song. It will be played on a loop over the park's loudspeakers until the faces crumble into the river. Nina Simone just walked in and sat on the mountainside like she owned it. And nobody said a word.

Attraction Grade: B

NORTH DAKOTA

Wiz Khalifa

Lynn Anderson

Peggy Lee

Jonny Lang

Why ruin a perfectly good mountain? I mean, this is what Mt Rushmore would look like without any Presidents on it. Pretty amazing just as it is, isn't it? Why mess up a perfectly beautiful mountain by forcing some sculptor to fashion a Wiz Khalifa out of it?

Attraction Grade: F

OHIO

Chrissie Hynde (of The Pretenders)

Mark Mothersbaugh (of Devo)

Bootsy Collins (of the JB's and Funkadelic)

Robert Pollard (of Guided By Voices)

Well, this came together nicely! I'll go on record and say this is one of the most interesting mountains in the whole bunch. Chrissie Hynde is going back to Ohio forever, our first choice to adorn this mountain and the easiest selection overall. Mark Mothersbaugh of Devo, complete with Energy Dome, contributes to a visually delightful image, especially standing right next to the irrepressible Bootsy Collins of James Brown's band and Funkadelic. I wasn't going to miss the opportunity to see these two next to each other forever, with apologies to the Isleys, the O'Jays and the Ohio Players. And in a nod to the emergence of lo-fi rock and roll in the 90s, Robert Pollard gets his rightful place in history. He's released more music than all other Ohio musicians combined, so it seemed like a logical idea. He looks good up there. "Ohio Mount Rushmore" even sounds like a Guided By Voices song title.

Attraction Grade: A

OKLAHOMA

Garth Brooks

Woody Guthrie

Wayne Coyne (of The Flaming Lips)

Merle Haggard

A pretty impressive collection assembled in the dusty flats of Oklahoma for this attraction, which is pleasingly varied. A folk hero (Woody Guthrie), an outlaw country legend (Merle Haggard), a modern country king (Garth Brooks), and uh, Wayne Coyne, the bizarre maestro behind the Flaming Lips. Sure I could've gone with Reba or Toby, but who needs another country star? Wayne adds just the right amount of whimsical cool to this visual. The best attractions are the ones where you spend some time scratching your head in wonder. His inclusion will facilitate that process.

Attraction Grade: A-

OREGON

Elliott Smith

Colin Meloy (of The Decemberists)

Carrie Brownstein (of Sleater-Kinney)

Jack Ely (of The Kingsmen)

When I think Elliott Smith, I think of Portland. He was born in Nebraska but moved out before he was one year. He then went to Texas, but few people seem less Texas than he does. He hated it there (despite having a tattoo of Texas on his arm—it's a long story). Then he went to college in Massachusetts. But he became the Elliott Smith we know and love in Oregon, his spiritual and creative home. The same could be said for Colin Meloy. Born in Montana, but became his current self in Oregon, a state that will do that for people. The pride of Portlandia, Carrie Brownstein, had to be present as well. I just wish I coulda fit Fred Armisen up there next to her. Last but not least is The Kingsmen's lead singer, Jack Ely, without whom we wouldn't have the definitive version of 'Louie Louie' in the rock and roll lexicon. For that reason alone, he's forever enshrined in rock. He don't gotta go now. He'll be here forever.

Attraction Grade: A-

PENNSYLVANIA

Taylor Swift

Daryl Hall (of Hall & Oates)

Joan Jett

Patti LaBelle

Taylor Swift's presence ensures this will be the most visited Mount Rushmore-styled monument in the United States, original included, at least until her messy public divorce from Travis Kelce. I would've preferred an image from her Red period, but we;ll fix that in post. Her era will be remembered forever, so she's a logical choice and a savvy financial move. The revenues alone should turn around the state's financial woes in short order. Finally, we've found a large enough canvas to placate Daryl Hall's giant ego! Nobody deserves the rock treatment as much as Joan Jett. She looks fabulous up there, staring down all comers like the hardened badass she is. The final pick is near impossible, with many possible directions. Trent Reznor? Pink? Jim Croce? Todd Rundgren? I even thought of Questlove for a while. He would look cool up there, too (complete with afro pick). But even he would likely step aside for the legendary Patti LaBelle, I'm sure.

Attraction Grade: B+

RHODE ISLAND

Kristin Hersh (of Throwing Muses)

Tanya Donelly (of Throwing Muses and Belly)

Brian Chippendale (of Lightning Bolt)

John Cafferty

Teddy Roosevelt, you scamp! I just knew that wacky cat would photobomb one of these images eventually! Rhode Island is one of two states that includes two members of the same group. Who had Throwing Muses in their prediction market this week? Well, your bet is about to pay off handsomely. As it turns out, Kristin Hersh and Tanya Donelly are both more than deserving of the honor, especially in a state the size of a postage stamp (and a small one at that). At least we get Belly in the bargain as well. I really wanted to pick someone from Velvet Crush, but I've been obsessed with Brian Chippendale lately and I can't get him out of my mind. Plus, he's been ranked as one of the Top 100 Drummers of All-Time. That alone justifies his presence. As does his trademark onstage ski mask look, brilliantly replicated here. No other mountain has anything quite like it. Oh, and John Cafferty didn't have much of a career, but for some reason when I think of Rhode Island, he's the guy that pops in mind. I thought about making an exception and putting him on the dark side of the mountain, but that would've been too obvious.

Attraction Grade: C-

SOUTH CAROLINA

James Brown

Darius Rucker

Chubby Checker

Doug Gray (of the Marshall Tucker Band)

I was all excited to tackle South Carolina, but I have to admit I was very disappointed with the end result. Only one major legend, James Brown, and he's here only included because he was born here. His family smartly high-tailed it outta there a short time later. From there, the list of possibles is surprisingly threadbare. OK, Hootie and Blowfish had one of the largest selling records of all-time, so Darius Rucker gets a nod, even after considering his marginal country career in the decision. And that's how quickly South Carolina has run out of gas. Chubby Checker had one of the first viral songs of all-time with "The Twist" so he makes the cut. Then, we end with a little 70s country-rock from the Marshall Tucker Band. We went with Doug Gray who has been with the band from day one to present, the one and only original member who did so. Plus, he sang on "Can't You See" as well. And for a tourist attraction that is meant to be seen, his selection seems appropriate.

Attraction Grade: D

SOUTH DAKOTA

The OGs

Shawn Colvin

Haley Bonar

Kid Dakota

EMA 

They've already got the real Mt. Rushmore in South Dakota, so they don't need another one. Good thing, too, because this odd assortment isn't going to draw many visitors at all, no shade intended to some pretty talented, but boutique, artists.

Attraction Grade: F

TENNESSEE

Dolly Parton

Elvis Presley

Booker T. Jones

Chet Atkins

A lot of artists made their name in Nashville or Memphis, but very few of them were born in Tennessee or lived their formative years there. Hence, the list of potential faces isn't as gigantic as one might expect. To celebrate the state's reputation as the home of country music, we went with Chet Atkins, one of those guys who defined the Nashville sound. Elvis Presley might've been born in Tupelo, but he became the King in Memphis and lived at Graceland until his death. Dolly Parton was an easy decision. Everybody loves her and her stock price is higher than ever right now. She will be a unanimous choice for any honor she's up for, including the Nobel Prize and MLB Rookie of the Year. She's that undeniable. Booker T. Jones was the heart of the Stax sound and around here, there's no higher compliment. Soul music is just as important to Tennessee as country and you can take that to any bank (except Union Planters Bank) in Memphis.

Attraction Grade: A

TEXAS

Willie Nelson

Buddy Holly

Roy Orbison

George Jones

There's no way to sum up the history of Texas music in four faces. It just can't be done. But here are our choices. Willie Nelson, the President of Texas, gets the first spot, literally high upon the mountain where he belongs. He may outlive the mountain for all we know. Absolutely no need for any debate. Lubbock's own Buddy Holly, short life be damned, was never a debate either. Roy Orbison also belongs; he was one of the greatest voices in music history, although he admittedly is not very "Texas" sounding and I think you'll know what I mean by that. George Jones makes up for that deficit. He's country music royalty with more hits than George Foreman got in against Randall "Tex" Cobb back in 1982. That said, my initial list was about twenty artists deep, each with their own merits. Since Texas does everything bigger anyway, perhaps we make this mountain ten times its original size and just keep carving new faces until we get exhausted. But don't quite until we get Beyoncé up there in all her glory.

Attraction Grade: A+

UTAH

Donny Osmond

Marie Osmond

Merrill Osmond

Alan Osmond

I took the easy way out and just put the top four Osmonds on the hill and moved on. Can you blame me? Jimmy never entered the discussion either, if you're wondering.

Attraction Grade: B

VERMONT

Trey Anastasio (of Phish)

Grace Potter

Noah Kahan

Anaïs Mitchell

This picturesque state now has an eyesore smack-dab in the middle of it. With Trey Anastasio anchoring this borderline attraction, I suppose we're going to have to build a trailer park and a campsite (with showers, hopefully) on the property to house the Phish-head contingent. At least he seems like a nice fellow. I regretfully offer a spot to the dramatically overrated new sensation Noah Kahan, mainly because there's not many other people to pick from. He also seems like a nice fellow, so this is perhaps the most congenial mountain of the bunch. Small consolation. Grace Potter is a bit of a local favorite, but she has a cult fan base that's more than deserved. Anaïs Mitchell isn't well-known, but she's an artist of some note, with a hit Broadway musical under her belt, no less (Hadestown).

Attraction Grade: F

VIRGINIA

Steve Earle

Patsy Cline

Missy Elliott

Dave Grohl

I love that Virginia's own Dave Grohl, the reigning ambassador of rock and roll, is captured screaming for eternity on this mountainside. Two bands in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will do that to a guy (even if one of them is not deserved and we all know that to be true, don't we?). Patsy Cline forever. It would be crazy to leave her out. Not quite sure why Steve Earle is in a cowboy hat here, but he's looking good, rocking that 'Last of the Hardcore Troubadours' persona that fits him so well. I glibly cede the final spot the the super-dupa-fly Missy Elliott just so I can snub Dave Matthews, who will never see the light of a Virginia day from this glorious perspective as long as I'm in charge of Virginia's Chamber of Commerce, which I have taken over in a daring early morning coup just today. Regime change now!

Attraction Grade: B

WASHINGTON

Jimi Hendrix

Kurt Cobain (of Nirvana)

Nancy Wilson (of Heart)

Chris Cornell (of Soundgarden)

Jimi Hendrix, the easiest of all choices. No commentary needed. Kurt Cobain, same. Next, it was a toss up between Mark Lanegan, Mark Arm, and Chris Cornell for the final grunge spot, but Cornell's voice won out in the end. And his band is in the Hall of Fame, which means nothing, so he "deserves" it. Heart was a band ahead of its time and I really wanted Ann and Nancy side-by-side, but with only one spot left we gave it to Nancy Wilson and not her power-vocalist sister Ann mainly because Ann tends to get a lot of the glory with her dynamic voice, but the band would be nothing without Ann. Here, we let her have her days in the sun.

Attraction Grade: A

WASHINGTON D.C.

H.R. (of Bad Brains)

Ian MacKaye (of Fugazi/Minor Threat)

Meshell Ndegeocello

Travis Morrison (of The Dismemberment Plan)

If the government won't acknowledge Washington D.C. with representation in Congress at least we can. And it deserves some love, too. An influential punk scene nets us H.R. from the Bad Brains and Ian MacKaye of Minor Threat and Fugazi (as well as Dischord Records). This is the start of one pretty fucking cool mountain, isn't it? Then we add bassist supreme and divinely funky genius Meshell Ndegeocello to the mix and suddenly we add a whole new lyer to the production. And, while we're at it, why not show off the area's deep alt-rock past, too? Travis Morrison of the brilliant yet short-lived Dismemberment Plan is our final choice. If only our country was as innovative and forward-thinking as the music coming out of our Capitol, we'd all be better off.

Attraction Grade: B+

WEST VIRGINIA

Bill Withers

Brad Paisley

Johnnie Johnson

Fred "Sonic" Smith

West Virginia's mountain features an odd assortment of characters. Bill Withers was an obvious pick. I'm going to say it because it's the law: There ain't no sunshine when he's gone (paraphrasing allowed). I hope he has nothing but lovely days staring out from the side of his new mountain home. Brad Paisley is one of the most modern mountain men in this whole project, which only points to a dearth of great artists from the state. Still, his success speaks for itself. Johnnie Johnson, Chuck Berry's piano man and influential legend, makes the cut and that pleases us to no end. Patti Smith didn't make the final cut in Illinois (her birthplace) or New York (where she cut her teeth), which is an injustice, but we make it up to her here by adding her late husband, Fred "Sonic" Smith, guitarist for Detroit's MC5. If we couldn't fit an MC5 member into Michigan's mountain, at least we have one represented somewhere. It turns out, people are born in West Virginia, too. Who knew?

Attraction Grade: C+

WISCONSIN

Justin Vernon (of Bon Iver)

Gordon Gano (of Violent Femmes)

Steve Miller

Kurt Neumann (of the BoDeans)

Some interesting dilemmas in Wisconsin. Only one member of Violent Femmes makes it, but all three were supremely important to the band. In such situations, the vocalist usually wins, so Gordon Gano gets the nod. But what about the BoDeans? We feel that they are one of thee quintessential Wisconsin bands, but they had two main guys, each a songwriter, player, and singer. Kurt Neumann gets the spot, however, because Sammy Llanas is a arrogant creep who ruined both the band and his friendship with his partner along the way. Justin Vernon went from a small hunting cabin in NW Wisconsin to dueting with Taylor Swift in a relatively short period, along the way becoming an unlikely star in his own right. This mountain is perhaps the most contemporary of all of them. To mitigate that, we are obviously ending with the great Steve Miller, a true, fine last but not least scenario. He's the biggest selling act ever to come out of the state. Take the honor and run, sir. You deserve it.

Note: Les Paul is a music legend from Wisconsin, but his music was out of scope for this project. Contributions to the guitar industry is a different mountain; he'd be on that one for sure.

Attraction Grade: C+

WYOMING

Chris LeDoux

Luke Bell

Scott Avett (of the Avett Brothers)

Jeb Loy Nichols 

As you would expect, not a lot of artists come from Wyoming. If they were born there, they soon got out. Country singer Chris LeDoux remains a local favorite and Luke Bell would've been a classic country music star if he hadn't died so young. The Avett Brothers are becoming quite the institution, too. Their leader, Scott Avett, was born in Wyoming, but the band soon set up shop elsewhere. Jeb Loy Nichols, bless his heart, finds his way up to the mountain mainly because he's a Pickled Priest favorite and we feel an underappreciated American treasure (who happens to live in Wales). This is a group you might have a beer with, but they don't merit a full mountainside. A beer will have to do, then. Cheers!

Attraction Grade: F

_____________________

That's it. Attractions closed. Go back to your homes. There's nothing more to see here. I mean it. Scoot.

Cheers,

The Priest